I Never Thought My Life Would Change The Way It Has

I’ve put off growing up for 51 years because I never thought my life would change the way it has over the last year. My vision for my life was to go to the job I loved doing for 22 years, retire with my wife and, move to Florida where we would live in a peaceful coexistence for the rest of our days. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Instead, I’m struggling to find myself at the age of 51. Some days are good but most days are a chore to even live (my life, not death) let’s be clear on that. I have no intention of leaving this world before my time. I’m mainly a fighter not a quitter, but life has given me struggles I never thought would come my way.

I had it all planned out. I would work till I was 59. The age I could have retired. Just eight short years and I was golden. I would collect my $3800 a month pension from my union. Wait till I was 72 to start collecting my Social Security and play golf 3 days a week and sit my ass on a beach and read books. Maybe even write a book – knowing it would never get published – but just for my amusement and to keep my mind from becoming static. We would also have my wife’s 401k to collect on and we would live retirement according to the American dream. Then reality came around the corner like a size 12 boot and proceeded to kick me squarely in the balls!

Now most days are spent feeling like:

  • half-a-man, broken
  • a failure
  • lost
  • robbed of my “Golden Years”
  • pining for yesterday
  • defeated
  • dejected

I try to keep my days focused on a business I’ve started with a friend of mine. The business is geared toward copywriting, social media content marketing and website building. Our hurdles there are, no one wants to give us a break because we have no background in the industry. But I’ll try too keep focused and plugging away because that is what self motivated people do. Plus my personality won’t let me quit. Another setback is education. I’m not college educated. I consider myself smart, but only in the street type and common sense. Formal education ended in high school.

Everything I’ve learned to this point in life has been on my own. From copywriting, website content, to creating websites, I’ve learned on my own. None of it was in a “structured environment”. If it interested me. If I became passionate about a subject. I learned it on my own. I guess that’s the way I’m wired.

What Lies Ahead For This Blog?

This is what I’m feeling today. Right Now. I’m not 100% sure where this blog, or even this post will take me. I guess if I contribute for a while I’ll just have to see where it leads.

As I sit here now I’m apprehensive about hitting the send button. I’ve always been afraid of what people think. Are they going to like it? Are they not? Will they judge me on what and how I’ve written? I am my own worst critic. Confidence has eluded me at every turn, even more-so now with the events that have taken place in my life in the last year. It’s hard to find self-worth. Hard to find meaning in the face that stares back at me. I guess some will laugh and some will feel the connection. That is all out of my control. But I stand here before you, broken and humbled, asking you only read with an open mind.

Feel free to leave comments of the positive or negative type. It’s the comments that will decide for me whether this blog sustains life or succumbs to death.

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13 comments

  1. I, for one, am requesting you NOT to give up writing…especially this blog. You bring a unique perspective & personality to writing, it’s from the heart and not the class room. Well, maybe the class room of life. You write with feeling, therefore the readers can identify stronger with what you’re saying, rather than struggling with what an “author” is trying to push. You’ve accomplished more in the last few years than I lot of us have in decades. Don’t give up now!!! (I don’t remember you ever giving up!). Ok-enough self doubt…get back to writing!!!

    1. Tony Carbon · · Reply

      Thank you for the kind and encouraging words.

  2. Like the Hawk would say “don’t stop now boy’s ”
    I am always amazed with what you write from start to finish. Some times I say to myself is that really you. Keep up the good work!

    1. Tony Carbon · · Reply

      Thank you Tony! It means a lot to me that you even notice. Your a good friend and I value that.

  3. Tony: Been there, done all that. Persevere, my friend. You’re dream never dies. After my business failed in 2008 I lost my vision, and for the first time in my life, could not see the future. I stayed in the place for two years, depressed, secluded, ashamed. Life only turned around because got up and brushed myself off one day, and I can truly say I see the future again. I share in your experience and live today as proof that you can too. “Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.” ~ Shawshank Redemption. PS: never be afraid to hit the publish button. What others think, matters not.

    1. Tony Carbon · · Reply

      Steve – A quote from one of my favorite movies. Thanks for the encouragement. I’ll stay the course because I’m to hardheaded to give up. Now I have something to prove. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and reach out. It means a lot to me and I appreciate it. PS – I love reading your blog and I’m learning a lot from it!

  4. Don’t give up on your blog or your dream. Success starts with positive thinking. It sounds like guru nonsense but it’s true. Your blog layout is good, your posts are damn good and you have something interesting to say. Keep up the great work! I’ll be following your posts from now on.

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words. It’s the folks like you with your compassion and empathy that make this all worth it. I’m grateful for the visit!

  5. John verive · · Reply

    Tony my friend in the 30 + years I’ve known you I haven’t seen quitter ! I read your blogs some of which I don’t know much about but they are never uninteresting . You have a way of turning thoughts into words that keep me reading . That’s a gift ! I can’t decide for you but for what it’s worth , I worked for Fleetwood home builders for 12 years . With less than 30 days notice they were gone and I was out of a job. I won’t say I will never work for a corporation again . I will say I will not allow an entity to have control of the future of myself or my family . I will do all I can to keep the buisness I’ve built and remain responsible for my future . No matter what you have my respect ,best wishes and above all friendship. Best of luck in whatever you decide!

    1. John you know me. Knock me down and I’ll just keep getting up.Thanks for being with for the ride!

  6. hello again! i definitely can relate to a lot of things that you write about in your posts. i think that your blog name is interesting – it certainly appears to be the “right domain” for you. i hope that you continue to follow your heart (as i would say) in your personal, professional and blogging lives. i always like to think ‘how will i feel about this in a year?’ and follow that vision. good luck to you; i will be following. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words. Right now my path is unlit but I continue to move toward the light everyday. I just hope my legs don’t give out before I make it. LOL

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