I’ve put off growing up for 51 years because I never thought my life would change the way it has over the last year. My vision for my life was to go to the job I loved doing for 22 years, retire with my wife and, move to Florida where we would live in a peaceful coexistence for the rest of our days. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Instead, I’m struggling to find myself at the age of 51. Some days are good but most days are a chore to even live (my life, not death) let’s be clear on that. I have no intention of leaving this world before my time. I’m mainly a fighter not a quitter, but life has given me struggles I never thought would come my way.
I had it all planned out. I would work till I was 59. The age I could have retired. Just eight short years and I was golden. I would collect my $3800 a month pension from my union. Wait till I was 72 to start collecting my Social Security and play golf 3 days a week and sit my ass on a beach and read books. Maybe even write a book – knowing it would never get published – but just for my amusement and to keep my mind from becoming static. We would also have my wife’s 401k to collect on and we would live retirement according to the American dream. Then reality came around the corner like a size 12 boot and proceeded to kick me squarely in the balls!
Now most days are spent feeling like:
- half-a-man, broken
- a failure
- robbed of my “Golden Years”
- pining for yesterday
I try to keep my days focused on a business I’ve started with a friend of mine. The business is geared toward copywriting, social media content marketing and website building. Our hurdles there are, no one wants to give us a break because we have no background in the industry. But I’ll try too keep focused and plugging away because that is what self motivated people do. Plus my personality won’t let me quit. Another setback is education. I’m not college educated. I consider myself smart, but only in the street type and common sense. Formal education ended in high school.
Everything I’ve learned to this point in life has been on my own. From copywriting, website content, to creating websites, I’ve learned on my own. None of it was in a “structured environment”. If it interested me. If I became passionate about a subject. I learned it on my own. I guess that’s the way I’m wired.
What Lies Ahead For This Blog?
This is what I’m feeling today. Right Now. I’m not 100% sure where this blog, or even this post will take me. I guess if I contribute for a while I’ll just have to see where it leads.
As I sit here now I’m apprehensive about hitting the send button. I’ve always been afraid of what people think. Are they going to like it? Are they not? Will they judge me on what and how I’ve written? I am my own worst critic. Confidence has eluded me at every turn, even more-so now with the events that have taken place in my life in the last year. It’s hard to find self-worth. Hard to find meaning in the face that stares back at me. I guess some will laugh and some will feel the connection. That is all out of my control. But I stand here before you, broken and humbled, asking you only read with an open mind.
Feel free to leave comments of the positive or negative type. It’s the comments that will decide for me whether this blog sustains life or succumbs to death.
- American dream, eh? It’s not even a nightmare. It’s just a lousy reality (serbianfbreporter.wordpress.com)